Vi Elei

[Arwen Evenstar]

I decided to translate 'In Dreams,' and this is what I came up with. I don't really like the ending though... I'd appreciate any help, especially with the last three lines.

Ir i ring Rhiw tôl
Dû pen elenath tobatha galan
Vi i 'wathrol en-anor
Padatham vi ross saer

Dân vi elei
Laston eneth lín
A vi elei
Geveditham ad

Ir i aer a ered dannar
A telim na veth o gelain
Vi i vôr laston gan
Canel nin ennas
Bedithon ennas
A dan ad


When the cold of Winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams
I still hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again.

When the seas and mountians fall
And we come to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there
I will go there
And back again

[Simbelmyne]

Cool! I seem to remember Lothiêl translating this too (I think it was Lothiêl )

[Lothiel]

Yes, I did a translation quite a while ago of this Sim. (It's on my site in the Index of Works)

Arwen, you did a very good job! There are few errors in it! Here's what I noticed:

Dû pen elenath tobatha galan

Why 'galan'? 'Arad' seems to be more common for "day," although 'galan' is not wrong, just a different way to say it.

Padatham vi ross saer

Saer should be lenited to 'haer'.

Canel nin ennas
Bedithon ennas
A dan ad

I don't think 'canel' is correct here. Active/Present participles describe an ongoing action; looking at the verse in context, I'd almost want to use the 3rd pers. pres. form instead.

I'm not really sure about 'ennas.' When I did my translation I was advised against it since the concept of "there" (as in "to that place") was 'understood.' So, you can use it or no, but I would do a little checking just to be on the safe side.

On the last line, "A dan ad," I think 'dan' is out of place. It's generally used in the sense of "against"... Since 'ad' is 'again, back' I'd probably just go "Ah ad."

So, there's my two cents worth, hope it helps! You've really done an awesome job Arwen!  

[Linithiel]

Ooh, this is lovely, Arwen! Well done!

Quote:
<sub>Canel nin ennas
Bedithon ennas
A dan ad

I don't think 'canel' is correct here. Active/Present participles describe an ongoing action; looking at the verse in context, I'd almost want to use the 3rd pers. pres. form instead.</sub>


Why wouldn't you use "canel"? You're probably right, but that's what I would have used. But I'd probably use "nin canel", rather than the other way around.


Quote:

_{Dû pen elenath tobatha galan}

Seeing as "pen elenath" is describing " dû", I would lenit it to "ben elenath".


Quote:

_{A telim na veth o gelain}

I wouldn't use "o" to show "of" in this sense, seeing as it really means "from", so I'd just use "veth eraid" with the genetival relationship implied (if you don't mind using eraid instead of gelain, as Loey said

Hope this helps!